cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
