I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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