Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
