If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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