I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
