Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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