I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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