I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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