So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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