Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
