i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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