You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
