Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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