she woke up with a sticky ear
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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