he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
