You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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