she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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