Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
