You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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