Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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