I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
