I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
