I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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