i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
