I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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