Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
