I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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