I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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