I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
