the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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