Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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