and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
