My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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