If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize