Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
