I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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