just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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