Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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