I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize