He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize