Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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