man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
