take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
