I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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