I intend to get homeless drunk
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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