i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
