Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i love accidental penises.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
