So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
