If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
