Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
