also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Houston, we have a blender
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
