all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
