dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I feel great
I just peed on a car
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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