what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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