I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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