The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
