I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
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