dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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