OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
